I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I want her autograph on my taint
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
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