Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Randomize
