I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Randomize
