so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
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NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
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New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
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