note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
