I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
