His pubic hair was longer than his dick
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Randomize
