Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
