If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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