i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
