you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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