Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
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But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
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I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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