I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Randomize
