That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
