I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
two words: eviction party
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Randomize
