I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
