she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
Bang-toberfest begins!!
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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