I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
