But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
