im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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