I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Randomize
