Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
