My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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