thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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