It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize