we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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