Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
