I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
