I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
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