Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Randomize
