I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Randomize
