she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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