the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Randomize
