Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
