ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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