My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
