I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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