wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
as a side note pls kill me
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