I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
PANTIES FOUND
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