Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Is Oprah even human
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
