There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
