If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
