its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize
