all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
