Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
