I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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