all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
