Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
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