I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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