I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Randomize
