even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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