my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
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I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
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Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
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