Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
I just found a bag of teeth...
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
