Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
