I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
i want to swaddle you in tequila
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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