Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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