high people should be assigned attendants
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
