There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
