i'm signing you up for texting rehab
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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