dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
