No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Randomize
