I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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