i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
